Life In The Old Folks' Home
by Pachelbel
Summary: Yami Yugi and Yami Bakura decide to retire from yamihood; unfortunately, Dark minds think alike. Satirical Humor ahead! Read if you want to see them as grumpy old men, faking amnesia and arthritis. discontinued
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: Well, November 11 is...OUR BIRTHDAY!! (Winston's and mine, that is. So we decided to write this. Those of you who don't read Lord of the Rings fanfics won't be familiar with my brother, Winston; I write tons of stuff with him, but most of the stuff we put up is crap. But, we're told, it's *amusing* crap. Winston is Yami Yugi, I -Silver- am Yami Bakura). Now, before we take off to dinner and a play, we'll warn you that it is incomplete. What? Didn't you notice the 'dinner and a play'? We didn't have much time to write! So without further ado, we give you.....

  
  


LIFE IN THE OLD FOLK'S HOME

  
  


YAMI YUGI:November 10, present time.

  
  


I have arthritis. I'm becoming weak...so weak...I've developed a slight case of amnesia. It's getting dark....(because of the annoying case of blindness and cataracts I've come down with).

There is no pill for this, no miracle doctor. What I need is Shady Hills...The Retirement Home.

Dun Dun Dun...!

  
  


BAKURA:10 November:

  
  


I can't stand living with the twerp. As my birthday is tomorrow, and I have a *ahem* considerable age, I must resign to....Shady Hills, the dying place of modern Old Folks. So long, Ryou, you moron. Never did like you anyway. Hopefully your parents can afford the huge bill I plan to run up.

  
  


YAMI YUGI: Still November 10

  
  


Did I already write today? I can't remember if I ate today. Crumbs on mouth, so I must assume 'yes'.

Ah, here is my registration form.

  
  


Name: Yami Yugi...I think...it's the name on my underwear, and I don't think I'd steal those.

Age (Please remember, you must be over 60 to be admitted): 2, 983 (my birthday is tomorrow, so then I will be 2, 984).....I think. I don't remember.

Gender: Was born male (I think)

Family members to notify in case of emergency, and their phone numbers: Yugi (you imbecile)

Prescriptions: I prescribe a can of whoop-a** for you due to these idiotic questions!

Doctor: ...Me?

  
  
  
  


BAKURA:A few minutes later:

  
  


It stinks here. I'll have to forego breathing. I want one of those canes with a sword in the tip, but in the meantime I'll fill out this registration form.

  
  


Name: Yami Bakura

Age (Please remember, you must be over 60 to be admitted): Hah. I'm over 60. WAY over 60.

Gender: Most definitely male

Family members to notify in case of emergency, and their phone numbers: Mr or Mrs. I-take-care-of-myself-without-the-aid-of-family, 1-800-SCREW-YOU

Prescriptions: Anything that will drown out the sound of screaming kids, but not the cries of my victims.

Doctor: Long dead.

  
  


There. That ought to sufficiently terrify them. And...is that...no, it can't be...but it is! The PHARAOH?! HERE?! Why does he look like he's lost? Is he stoned?

  
  


CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN THE YAMIS: Part One

"Hello, Bakura," Yami said, walking up. "And what's your name?"

Bakura sneered. "Hello, Pharaoh. Why don't you do me a favor. Pull your lip over your head and swallow."

Yami's faux-forgetful/naive expression disappeared instantly and became vicious. "First you'll have to show my how, but pulling your head out of you're a** may be too great a strain for someone as old as you."

  
  


YAMI BAKURA: 11 NOVEMBER

  
  


I feel rather old. Today is my birthday and, unfortunately, it turns out it is the Pharaoh's as well. He was as shocked as I was, as if he didn't even know today celebrates the 5000th anniversary of his unfortunate arrival in this world, but he was much more pleased about it than I was. Every time he re-entered the room, it was like Christmas all over again (for him.)

I really don't understand him. Is he really forgetful? If so, when did that change take place? Sure, he forgot his entire 'I'm Ruler Of Egypt' past but that I can blame on his Puzzle. If I really cared, it would force me to look into it, but such as it is I'm much more content playing poker and watching soap operas all day. I think I'll just accept the hunch that he is acting.

The food here is entirely mush. Apple sauce is to be expected, but even my Cap'n Crunch cereal comes in semi-liquidated form. Quite strange, but much more easy to digest. I can get used to it.

  
  


YAMI YUGI: November.....uhm......11

  
  


It's my birthday today, but...I don't remember why I went downstairs. As soon as I was in the giant eating room, where people eat food, I saw Bakura standing around with a large thing called a 'cake'.

The people dressed in white and/or blue, sometimes called 'doctors', had a 'cake' for me as well. Turns out it's my birthday today, and Bakura's, too!

I don't remember what a 'birthday' is, but I remember each 'cake day' I've had for the past 5 billion years or so.

  
  


The PRANKS, and other Life-altering Decisions:

BAKURA: I realized that I have a full head of white hair. It didn't bother me until I came here. I'm supposed to be better preserved than the drooling fossils around here. Guess what color their hair is, if they have any? WHITE.

An insult to my pride, that's all it is. 

  
  


So Bakura wound up dying his hair black. Yami busted up laughing at him, completely forgetting his 'amnesiatic' state. Bakura didn't waste any breath with death threats, instead opting to shave Yami's head while the poor Puzzle-Spirit sleep.

The next evening, Bakura received a note from Yami. Needless to say, it was confusing. Here it is:

May Anubis Have Mercy On Your Soul!

P.S. Please e-mail me and tell me who Anubis is. And don't go to sleep tonight, I saw some snakes in your bed and don't remember if they're poisonous.

P.P.S. What's a snake?

Yami Yugioh Moto the Third

  
  


So then Bakura went out and bought a dog. Yami came back to his room and found it; attached to its collar was a note.

Here is the Dog Collar Note:

  
  


Hello. I'm Anubis. Your Millennium Puzzle is gold, but it does not have a chocolate filling...just in case you were curious.

  
  


The Puzzle had teeth marks in it, some of them obviously human. The chain was rusted from slobber. It was gross.

  
  


Bakura received this lovely poem the next morning:

I'm looking over

Your dead dog Rover

Who I overran with my lawn mower

....I don't remember the rest of this Rover song, but...uh...what was I singing now?

  
  


At which point, Bakura looked out to see Yami looking very confused, a shiny new lawnmower at his side.

  
  
  
  


Further Authors' Notes: Uhm, that's it for the insanity. We wrote this on our birthday. (Silver: I'm well aware that was almost a week ago. I'm just a procrastinator.) As kind of an ego-boost, we made the Yamis have our birthday as well. Questions you may have: 

Number One: 'Is Yami really that stupid?' Answer: No. He only pretended to have amnesia because how else was he supposed to justify running away to a Retirement Home? That and, well, there is no rational explanation for what we write.

Can't think of any more questions, and I'm just anxious to post this and get back to bed, so I'm not going to go bug Winston to see what he can find that makes less sense than the general story. There may be more later, depends on what ideas you send or we get. And of course on the **reviews** you are kind enough to leave us.


	2. Part 2

A/N: Winston said (in regards to the requests for us to continue our "birthday" fic): "Eat 'crap' and die. Bite me. Shove it up yours." But then I offered him cookies. He said: "No." I kept pestering (and bribing) him. At last, my pride wavered. I said... "Your wallet is the coolest wallet in the entire world." (It really is. It's Egyptian -AUTHENTIC Egyptian- that my parents and I gave him for Christmas. Got hieroglyphs and stuff.) And he said... Nothing. He sat down. And we began this chapter.

  
  


YAMI BAKURA, JANUARY 15:

KaibaCorp has discovered how rich one man can get off of the Old Folk's Home. Hah. Got a wheelchair. Whee! Will put spikes on the skull-shaped hubcaps.

LATER: Took out Yami's legs with spikes. Got in trouble and had Jell-o taken away, but was worth it.

  
  


YAMI YUGI, JAN. 15:

KaibO-corp** has found me! Will have to barricade door and sit in rocking chair with shot gun lying across my lap, staring at window.

LATER: Nurses cannot give me medicine due to barricade. Will have to sneak out and get some for self. But...what's this metal-and-wood-shooting-device lying across my lap? Will have to study hole in long metal barrels later. Suspect there is something in there.

LATER: Ugly black-haired man hit me with his 'souped up' wheelchair on the way to medicine. This means war. Will have to acquire one for self...or make one.

  
  


YAMI BAKURA:

Stupid bald Pharaoh has tied his rocking chair onto a pair of roller skates. Uses a metal boating oar to propel himself down the hall at break-neck speeds. Does drive-by smackings with it, also. This means war.

LATER: Have stolen a vicious kitten. Put it in Pharaoh's closet, where he keeps all of his leather clothing. Haha. (Incidentally, think that Yami is moving from 'amnesia' to 'paranoia'. Found several shotguns, and think he may have used his bed to barricade the door earlier.)

  
  


YAMI YUGI:

Have successfully knocked Kaiba out 10 times with metal chair-pusher-thingy. Kaibo has turned security guards against me; spent all day rolling away from them. Will have to modify chair with jet pack.

LATER: Horrendous stench coming from closet. Will test jet pack: the fuel for Model No. 1 is a mix of baking soda and vinegar.

RESULT: Baking soda/vinegar only bubbled. Must find new source of fuel. Where am I? What is this bottle I'm holding? And box in other hand? Must be medicine. No. Mouth bubbled. Feels fizzy. Look rabid. Want to burn taste buds off.

  
  


YAMI BAKURA:

Stupid Pharaoh! He hasn't discovered his ruined wardrobe. Wonder how long he's been wearing the same clothes...?

  
  


A/N: That's where we left off. I know, it's short, but you saw what I had to do to get even that much out of him!

**: Reference to the 'Kaibo Song' from Yami Yugi's Diary.


End file.
